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YMS: The Lovely Boner

Hi, this is Peter Jackson.

(Peter Jackson, with YMS speaking over him:) I hope you enjoy this exclusive [review] from my [shitty] movie, "The Lovely Bones."

Here on [NotProductive].com.

(YMS:) The Lovely Bones is more of a boring mess than Sonic '06.

(Man:) Who the fuck wants to do this?

I wanna run real fast and fuckin' smash into shit

not dance around a fucking town talkin' to people!

(YMS:) And people were decently excited to see a new Peter Jackson movie after he directed "Lord of the Rings."

We already know he does a pretty good job turning a book into a movie,

so what the fuck happened?

We start the movie off with a little girl looking at a penguin in a snowglobe.

When suddenly

Mark Wahlberg! Yay... When suddenly

I mean, I thought he was well-casted in, "I Heart Huckabees,"

but in this film, it's no surprise he was called at the last minute as a replacement for Ryan Gosling.

Interestingly enough, him and Peter Jackson both have different stories about why it didn't work out.

(Ryan Gosling:) I was 150 pounds when he hired me, and I showed up on set, 210 pounds.

We had a different idea, of how the character should look, you know?

(men laugh) We had a different idea, of how the character should look, you know?

We had a different idea, of how the character should look, you know?

I really believed in it, I was excited about it.

And I showed up and they said,

"You look terrible." And I showed up and they said,

and I said, "I know, isn't that great?"

"No, it's not. and I said, "I know, isn't that great?"

"No, it's not.

Go hit the treadmill." "No, it's not.

(Peter Jackson:) I mean, Ryan's a method actor and, um...

And he was worried about, about, being old enough

and then, as we got the other, uh, actors started to arrive...

And, you know, Rose was only about six or seven years younger than Ryan

and he just, he was-- all that he was nervous about, to him, was starting to come true.

That he was, he was, unable to feel like he was the father

and to him, he's the type of actor that has to be real--

You know, he has to believe it, first and foremost.

(Ryan Gosling:) We didn't talk very much in the pre-production process.

He's, uh, you know, it was a huge movie and there were so many things to deal with that he couldn't deal with the actors individually and...

I just showed up on set and I had-- I'd gotten it wrong.

I mean, clearly.

(breathes in slightly) But uh...

(Man:) Did you--?

(Ryan Gosling, continuing:) And then I was fat and unemployed.

(Man, repeating himself:) Did you--? (Ryan Gosling, continuing:) And then I was fat and unemployed.

(YMS:) The film then shows a few shots chronicling her early life growing up

and they spend so little time on it, I feel like there's no need for it to be there at all. (YMS:) The film then shows a few shots chronicling her early life growing up

and they spend so little time on it, I feel like there's no need for it to be there at all.

I mean, the only thing we learn from this is that she's a camera whore.

(YMS laughs) Heh, Instagram!

She's the original hipster. (YMS laughs) Heh, Instagram!

She's the original hipster.

Hey, look at me. I'm Peter Jackson.

Whoooa.

That shot was artistic and fit with the scene perfectly.

Then they go to the sinkhole to dump some shit off.

(Susie, thinking:) And I remember the girl who lived there.

Ruth Connors.

(YMS:) Hey, wow, she gets a name. I'm really looking forward to seeing her character develop later in the movie.

Wait, guys, something's wrong with her brother!

(Susie:) What happened?! Wait, guys, something's wrong with her brother!

(Susie:) What happened?!

(Young Boy:) He swallowed a twig! (Susie:) What happened?!

(YMS:) Fuckin' genius.

Whatever. She GTAs the shit out of her parent's car and he's safe in the hospital.

(distorted voice sounds)

(Susie:) I was fourteen years old, when I was murdered.

(YMS:) Spoiler! (Susie:) I was fourteen years old, when I was murdered.

(YMS:) Spoiler!

She starts eyeing this Jonas brother, telling her grandma how she has the hots for him.

(Grandma:) My first kiss was with a grown man.

(YMS:) So, wait. You're encouraging her to go after older guys, or what are you saying?

Oh, it's time to get our first glimpse of the killer.

(Susie:) I was aiming for the bushes, but he got in the way.

He stepped out of nowhere and ruined the shot.

(YMS:) Really?

How good of a shot were you expecting to get when you're on your fucking bicycle?! (YMS:) Really?

How good of a shot were you expecting to get when you're on your fucking bicycle?!

Then we listen to Marky Mark trying to justify his scale modeling obsession.

(Mark Wahlberg, murmuring:) If you start something, you finish it.

You don't stop until you get it right.

If you don't get it right, you still go over again. And you keep on going, as long as you have to.

(YMS:) Goddamnit. Can this movie not show one thing that's sole purpose isn't to be blatantly reincorporated later?

The camera whoring,

the girl who lives at the sinkhole,

the talk about kisses,

and even the scale modeling.

Is there even one person that doesn't think,

"Hey, I wonder if Marky Mark's monologue about perseverance is going to come into play later in the film?"

Now, I do likes me some good reincorporation,

but not when it's so obvious that you can tell as soon as they bring it up.

In this movie, they're only there to provide a false sense of significance to the viewer.

So when they show it again later and it doesn't really have shit to do with anything,

you go, "Ah, I saw that before. It's all connected."

"That means this movie's smart!"

Don't forget your new hat, Susie.

Lookit this fuckin' hat. Just look at it.

You gotta make it really obvious so we can pretend it's significant later.

If we didn't do this, then you, as an audience member, would have no idea that that was her hat that they found after the murder.

Lockdown, lockdown, there's an adult in the school trying to hit on the little girls!

No amount of makeup can hide the fact that you can grow a full beard.

Come to think of it, her other friends look pretty old too.

Why does every movie have to do this?

Okay, now we're finally at the point where she gets murdered.

(Mr. Harvey:) I hope that wasn't your homework.

(YMS:) Wait a minute.

Where was he in those other shots?

I saw another kid walking by, but I didn't see him. Where the fuck was he?

You know, Stanley Tucci actually does a pretty good job portraying this character.

But isn't the look kinda overkill?

Putting the performance aside, all you have to do is look at the guy to know he's a pedo rapist.

Rapist mustache, rapist comb-over, and rapist glasses.

(Infomercial voice:) Rapist glasses!

They make the everyday man look like a sexual predator. (Infomercial voice:) Rapist glasses!

They make the everyday man look like a sexual predator.

(YMS:) You'd have to be a complete idiot to trust this guy if he asked you to go inside a cellar alone with him.

But that doesn't stop Susie Salmon!

(Mr. Harvey:) You wanna be the first one to try it out?

(Susie, brightly:) Really?

(Mr. Harvey, high-pitched:) Yeah! Sure, yeah. Go ahead. (Susie, brightly:) Really?

(Mr. Harvey, high-pitched:) Yeah! Sure, yeah. Go ahead.

It'll be fun! (Mr. Harvey, high-pitched:) Yeah! Sure, yeah. Go ahead.

It'll be fun!

Go ahead!

(YMS:) She goes inside, but after a while she realizes,

"Oh, shit, I'm trapped inside here with a pedo rapist."

And then she tries to escape and he's like, "No, you don't!"

And she's like, "Yes, I do." and then she escapes.

I thought she gets murdered? And she's like, "Yes, I do." and then she escapes.

I thought she gets murdered?

Oh, you look a little pale but just keep running.

No, don't tell that other bitch to run or anything. She deserves to get raped.

"Hey, wait a minute,

If I escaped, then how come my Dad's looking for me?" "Hey, wait a minute,

If I escaped, then how come my Dad's looking for me?"

"I am tripping the fuck out."

Let's go to the bathroom.

Holy shit!

Dear god, I hope that's dirt.

Okay, so for any of you who haven't clued in yet, she's actually dead.

'Cuz that's what happens when you die.

You're not even conscious during the last hour of your life.

Your soul just escapes while you're still alive, and you pretend you got away at the instant where you think that you reasonably could have.

Like, if you die in a car crash, then you're just like,

"Why won't my car start?"

and then it turns out you're actually dead.

This didn't happen in the book!

In fact, Susie gets raped and murdered at the beginning of the book.

So does this whole "magically-not-experiencing-the-last-moments-of-your-life" make sense to Peter Jackson?

I mean the movie's already implausible enough for anybody that doesn't buy into the idea of immortality.

(Peter Jackson:) She's an old soul. So she-- and I do believe in those things.

(YMS:) But that doesn't make or break a movie either.

Many of you know that I liked "Enter the Void"

but at least that movie seemed like it had its own set of rules, rather than just making shit up as it went along.

But, in this movie, it's abundantly clear that the only reason we see her get away, is so that they can dance around the fact that she got murdered.

(Peter Jackson:) So when you're adapting the book,

you really have to cast aside everyone else's opinion

and just make it just very selfishly, for yourself.

I mean, that's the only healthy thing that you can really do.

(YMS:) This isn't subtlety for the sake of art.

This is, "We want to make money, so, we're gonna keep it family-friendly."

At least the novel had some balls.

The police start investigating and Mr. Rapist starts disposing of the evidence.

(Police Officer:) You were at home that day?

(Mr. Harvey:) What day?

(Police Officer:) Last Wednesday. (Mr. Harvey:) What day?

(Police Officer:) Last Wednesday.

(YMS:) Wait, it happened last Wednesday? (Police Officer:) Last Wednesday.

(YMS:) Wait, it happened last Wednesday?

So how long did you have that muddy mess in your bathroom?

Man, you sure were smart, killing your next-door neighbor's child.

And why the fuck would you leave that out?

Were you planning on just keeping it there like, "Yep! I want to look at this every day."

Goddamnit, what the fuck is this shit?

Ooh, it's so artsy.

Apparently, this is supposed to be Heaven.

But it kinda plays off as more of a Purgatory, if you ask me.

It's kinda confusing.

"Aw, I'm so sad that I'm dead and I don't get to kiss the guy that I liked."

How do you have conscious thought?

How are you feeling sad?

I thought our emotions were dependent on the chemicals our brain releases into our bloodstream.

But she doesn't have a brain.

She doesn't have a body.

But it makes sense 'cuz it's her magical spirit brain and body!

I'm sorry if some of you guys feel comfortable thinking that you'll have conscious thought after you die,

but to me it makes just about as much sense as a talking fetus.

(Baby:) Mommy, I forgive you.

Mommy, I took a shortcut to Heaven.

I wanted to live on Earth,

but the abortion clinic took my life, before I ever came to birth.

(Mysterious Girl:) You're not supposed to do that.

(Susie:) What?

Who're you?

(Mysterious Girl:) She saw you, that girl.

(Susie:) I think my hand touched hers.

(Mysterious Girl:) Yes, that's all it takes.

She carry you now, for the rest of her life.

(YMS:) Wait a minute. What?

Wait, so she wouldn't have seen you if you didn't "touch" her?

What about all that shit you were saying at the beginning of the movie?

(Susie, thinking:) The kids at our school said she was weird.

And now I know. She saw things others didn't.

(YMS:) The only reason she's in limbo is because her murder hasn't been solved, right?

So why doesn't she just touch her dad's arm and be like,

"It was Mr. Pedo Rapist! Case closed."

Why does it only work sometimes?

And, maybe, you can't actually hear what she's saying? Maybe you can only see her, if she touches you?

But she could still help them solve the crime by playing Charades.

Maybe touching you doesn't make you see or hear her, but it just makes you aware of her presence.

It also looks like she was able to see you before you touched her.

Wait a minute, you didn't even touch her.

What the fuck?

I guess if you make no attempt at defining any of the rules, there's no point in being consistent.

It's just magic, okay?

So does every victim of an unsolved murder go to Limbo?

What if somebody accidentally killed somebody else, and then nobody found out about it?

What if the victim was secretly slipped some poison, and the victims themselves never even knew who killed them?

Is it an intention thing or is there a fine line?

But more importantly,

who the fuck is this? But more importantly,

who the fuck is this?

(Mysterious Girl:) You're not supposed to look back, you're supposed to keep going!

(YMS:) Oh, so she exists for no reason,

but the audience would be really confused if Susie didn't have someone to narrate her own objectives for her.

(Mysterious Girl:) You need to let go of Earth.

(YMS:) Oh my god, stop wasting time with all this Purgatory shit.

No plot here!

Why, Peter Jackson, why?

There's more important things happening in the real world,

and you've already stated that the only way that Susie's Purgatory situation will change, is if something happens in the real world. There's more important things happening in the real world,

and you've already stated that the only way that Susie's Purgatory situation will change, is if something happens in the real world.

So what's with all this dicking around?

At what point did this movie turn into "Across the Universe?"

You have to shorten the book's story so much already to get it into movie form,

and then you waste all of our time with all of this fuckin' Purgatory shit!

Now I didn't read the book, but apparently none of this shit happens.

(Peter Jackson:) We have a responsibility to the book, to preserve the tone of the book,

but we also have responsibility for people that are paying $20 or, whatever it is in the UK, to see a movie.

That, that, we want to give them something that's entertaining and positive and, and, you know, it's a good night out at the movies.

And so, we're trying to balance all these things, um, yeah.

(Rose McIver:) There's 300 pages in a book, and it can only be cut down to so many for a screenplay, so

it was just about, finding exactly the parts that are really, really true to the heart of the story

and including them in the film.

(YMS:) What is the point of any of this?

She looks like she's having a blast.

Why is being in Purgatory such a bad thing? It looks like you can do whatever you want.

So, is the Heaven that she's trying to get to, like, the same thing but... bigger?

Or less Asians?

Was Susie even religious at all?

You'd think that if she wasn't, then she would be like,

"Hey, so I guess you do live after death."

And if she was, she'd be like,

"Where's Jesus?"

Yeah, see how it's snowing in Purgatory and Mark Wahlberg's got the snow globe at the exact same time?

It means absolutely nothing.

"Dad, I had a nightmare and it would make me feel a lot better if you breathed every word you spoke."

(Father, breathing his words) C'mere, buddy.

(Son, whispering:) I'm gonna tell you my secret now.

(Mark Wahlberg, exhaling his words:) Yeah?

(Son, breathes in deeply, whispering:) I see dead people.

(ominous music plays, increasing in volume as the camera zooms in)

(YMS:) But now it's been almost a year, and Marky Mark is still trying to figure out who the killer is.

But his wife's just like,

(Mother:) Can't you just leave it alone?!

(YMS:) I wanna forget she ever existed.

You look like you're stressin' out, let's bring over Grandma to live with us.

Time for a montage!

Oh, Grandma. You're so incompetent.

Isn't this funny?

Wait, what's the tone that this movie's trying to go for, again?

Hah, hah, she can't do anything right.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Her life is straight out of a infomercial.

Yeah! Let's keep dancing!

Around the plot.

Well, now, the wife's leaving.

In the book, she left because she was having an affair with a detective,

but now she's just leaving for no reason.

(Stevie Wong:) The character is actually one of, a tough one, because

she's not...

She actually, leaves the family, you know?

During this period-- Now I don't know if you can come up with a better version of, of, you know, my

interpretation, based on the film, is that, she, basically-- What happens, she just leaves.

And so-- Um... (Rachel Weisz grunts, interrupting)

(Rachel Weisz, accusatory:) Did you read the book? No, you--

(Stevie Wong:) I did. And, and so-- Ages ago. So, so, I was just wondering (Rachel Weisz, accusatory:) Did you read the book? No, you--

(Rachel Weisz:) Oh you-- (Stevie Wong:) I did. And, and so-- Ages ago. So, so, I was just wondering

(Stevie Wong:) I did. And, and so-- Ages ago. So, so, I was just wondering

(Stevie Wong:) What your take, on this character and why she would do something like this?

It would, would happen? Why, why a woman would leave her family, during this period?

(Rachel Weisz:) Mhm, well I think, I think the film, you know, the Peter Jackson's film,

you know, he, you, he focused more on, on, on Heaven.

Um, so, I don't think it's something that's really explored deeply in the film.

Um, her, um, her, you know, her emotional life and why she, why she leaves.

Um, because there's, I was, there's more a focus on, on Heaven, which was, you know, uh, Peter's choice.

It's a, a very, very beautiful representation of Heaven.

(YMS:) "Wah, I'm so sad that my sister gets to kiss people and I don't."

"'Cuz I'm dead!"

The Purgatory chick's right next to you. Why don't you just kiss her, you racist?

(Susie, thinking:) And sometimes, Ray would think of me.

(YMS:) How do you know he's thinking of you?

Can you only read people's minds when they're thinking about you?

If you've become omniscient, then why don't you just entertain the audience with some more important information?

You know, put some conspiracy theories to rest, or something.

So, after we're done dicking around in Purgatory again, we find that Susie's family is starting to piece together the murder mystery.

Based on their gut.

Out of nowhere, for no reason.

"Oh my god, my dog's barking at him! That means he killed my sister."

It's only logical that she'd be scared of him now. I mean dogs can sense these things in movies, for no reason.

"I'm so glad my daughter took so many freaking photos that it's taken a year to develop them."

"Wait a minute. There's a photo of our neighbor in here."

"He must be the killer! Why else would she have taken a picture of him?"

"I guess I was too busy trying to think of possible suspects over the past year, that I forgot he existed."

But wait, we gotta interrupt this scene because look, in Purgatory, there's icicles in the summertime. Isn't that crazy?

"I know it's been an entire year, and I haven't gotten caught yet, but I'm going to try and act as suspicious as possible."

Whoooa~

Why is everyone in this movie on drugs?

Also, way to park in the middle of the road. Isn't your driveway, like, right there?

"Wait a minute, guys. It's wintertime, and the roses are dying? This means something!"

Who spiked the water?

"Oh my god. When my daughter was taking pictures that one day, and he was there, it was in front of his rosebush. This is all making sense!"

"He has to be the killer!"

(Father, shouting desperately:) What did you do to her?!

What did you do to my daughter?!

Filthy! Pervert! Serious-- (screams angrily as the door cracks)

(YMS:) Well, that was smart.

(Detective:) Your father put a hole in the man's back door.

(Sister:) Yeah, he shoulda put a hole in his head!

(YMS:) "Yeah, detective! Didn't you see my dog barking at the guy? I mean, c'mon."

(Susie, thinking:) When I was alive, I never hated anyone.

But now, hate is all that I have.

(YMS:) Well that's weird. I thought most people that were hateful were, you know, alive.

(Purgatory Girl:) You will see, Susie.

In the end, you'll understand.

(eerie music shrills as the icicle cracks, severed, shattering on the ground)

(Susie breathes raggedly, frightened)

(Purgatory Girl:) Everybody dies. (Susie breathes raggedly, frightened)

(YMS:) You hear that, folks? Everybody dies, except if you get murdered

and then, then, it's really cool... (YMS:) You hear that, folks? Everybody dies, except if you get murdered

and then, then, it's really cool...

Marky Mark decides it's a good idea to stalk the guy after it's dark out and see if he can, you know, kill him with a bat.

But, instead, he accidentally runs into some kids and then gets beaten up.

Fail...

Wait, why is her dad getting beaten up causing the gazebo to crumble?

I thought the gazebo was supposed to be a symbol for her love for the Jonas brother guy.

Wasn't that where he said he would meet her before she got killed?

Wasn't she also in the gazebo every time she whined about not getting to experience true love?

Is it really appropriate to be throwing the gazebo into this scene?

Oh wait.

It's all just random, stupid bullshit that doesn't even mean anything.

I forgot.

Anyway, through the help of some magical Purgatory powers

Susie discovers that, "Oh my god, he's actually killed people before me."

"Ohh shit."

So, Purgatory is just a hang-out spot for people until they avenge their own murders?

Anyway, despite a lack of substantial evidence,

Susie's sister become so certain that Mr. Harvey is the culprit, she decides to break into his house and look for clues.

She finds the blueprints for his murder plans that he never got rid of, for some reason.

And at this point, she should leave with the evidence, but she's dumb.

She stays there and reads it until Mr. Harvey comes back,

and then she's like, "Oh, oops, I'd better leave."

She barely escapes with the evidence, leaving Mr. Harvey to start packing his things.

"Can't forget my Certificate of Appreciation!"

She gets home to find her mother's back, yay!

And, oddly enough, it seems as though there's a moment where she contemplates not even showing them the evidence.

What, so now you're thinking, "Oh, my family's together again. I don't want to change that."

As if catching the killer would somehow break up the family again?

"Yeah, I'll just pretend it never happened. It'll just be a little awkward when I walk past his house from now on."

Well, she does the right thing, but he's already gone.

Time to dump off the body!

(Man:) Sorry, pal. I'm fillin' her in.

(Mr. Harvey:) I'd really hate to inconvenience you.

(YMS:) I like how he decided to be as shady as possible instead of just saying, "Hey, I'll just give you fifty bucks if you let me."

Jesus Christ that looks heavy.

And yet, we're expected to believe, that somehow he got that all the way up the stairs

and into his vehicle, by himself, before the cops showed up?

Well, at least now she's got a proper burial.

(Purgatory Girl:) What're you waiting for? You're free!

(YMS:) Yeah, you're free!

Wait, what? (YMS:) Yeah, you're free!

Your killer's still on the loose, you know, right?

Can someone explain why she's free? What happened to make her free?

Was it really just her being buried?

Oh, I guess she's free because she's finally letting go of Earth.

Now her conscious can be put to rest, and she can finally accept the fact that she's dead.

Except she doesn't do that at all, 'cuz right after she's free she goes, "Wait."

"I need to go back to Earth for a second," Except she doesn't do that at all, 'cuz right after she's free she goes, "Wait."

"I need to go back to Earth for a second,"

"I still to kiss that fuckin' Jonas brother."

Now she can possess people!

Possessing the girl to solve my own murder mystery? No.

I'm just gonna do it so I can kiss this guy.

"My vanity!"

Way to take necrophilia to a whole new level.

This all makes so much sense!

(frustrated grunts of exertion)

We fast-forward to several years later, and Mr. Harvey, with his new-found freedom, is already looking for his next victim.

I wonder how many people he's killed in the meantime?

(Mr. Harvey:) A young lady, alone at night? Not safe.

(Young Woman:) Didn't you hear me? Piss off! (Mr. Harvey:) A young lady, alone at night? Not safe.

(Young Woman:) Didn't you hear me? Piss off!

(YMS:) But hey, remember all those shots of icicles that they kept throwing in your face to make it seem really important? (Young Woman:) Didn't you hear me? Piss off!

(YMS:) But hey, remember all those shots of icicles that they kept throwing in your face to make it seem really important?

Well, apparently his victims are doing a little vengeance pow wow up in Heaven.

That's right. Fuck with us and you get the Purgatory icicle, bitch.

(Guile's Theme plays)

(music shifts to smooth jazz)

(YMS:) If there was one word I could use to describe this movie, it would be "dishonest."

All the fans of the book expected an accurate portrayal of the events

and all the people that didn't read the book were sold on the idea of a dramatic crime-solving movie over the murder of a young girl.

(Peter Jackson:) It played as a dark e-comic. Very fast paced. Crime--

(YMS:) Not just dicking around in Purgatory.

So, will this piece of garbage stop me from watching, "The Hobbit?"

Nah. As disappointed as I am that it's not being directed by Guillermo,

I'm still gonna try and watch it in 48 frames per second 'cuz it'll be fun? (hesitant)

But let's just hope that if there are any changes, they're ones that're made for the better.

(Bilbo Baggins:) Gandalf!

(Gandalf:) Bilbo Baggins.

(girls screams shrilly) (Gandalf:) Bilbo Baggins.

(girls screams shrilly)

(music plays:) And it'll slam me to the ground,

into reality,

and I'll deal with my disparity.

Do you love me now?

(sustaining) Don't you love me nooow?!

(music cuts to echoing clashing sounds)

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