Everything Wrong With The Snowman In 18 Minutes Or Less

Comcast of course we will send these 44

seconds of unnecessary logos even though

they are likely the only thing that will

make sense for the next two hours does

your son usually say uncle Jonas is here

when he's not otherwise your incredulity

is pure dickish nonsense on what day did

the Norwegian Parliament hold his first

election since the war August 12th 1945

home schooling in Norway sucks when you

buy a house like this you always make

sure the master bedroom has an inside

peeping window uncle Jonas apparently

has a sixth sense since zero sound was

made and he would therefore have no

reason to assume the perv kid was spying

on them so this piece of human refuse

comes over runs through the Roberts

rules of abusing people and you're

yelling at him to stay I have a better

response and it involved four middle

fingers well six if you count the

Snowman I'm getting the distinct feeling

the Norwegian Tourism Board was not

consulted during this film movie gives

you an early warning of its intentions

with the sound of the main character

snoring over the opening credits has no

one in Norway heard of gloves first the

kid made a snowman without them and now

our protagonists left outside without

them they have been invented here right

let's know man you're being too modest

this is clearly the greatest snowman and

it's the true story a PT Barnum's serial

killer phase how do you pick up a title

jeez dark brooding alcoholic antihero

wakes up on a public bench with a

hangover cliche also replace the

sunniness of LA with the snow enos of

Oslo and a Smith with a Fassbender but

damn this opening feels very Hancock Ian

also also assuming Harry spent most of

the night here and I see no evidence of

a heater he should be if not dead

severely frostbitten I swear I'm gonna

catch my death in pneumonia just by

watching this movie as well as at least

three Bee Gees I'm guessing if there is

one thing these statues made clear it's

that the White Witch has taken up

residency in Norway and I'm guessing

Aslan ain't coming come to Oslo where

you and your family can spend a nice day

in the park and have a picnic right by

the statue depicting the great circle

jerk of 1864 and when we say based just

so we're clear we mean it has a couple

of the same character names but we

change pretty much everything else and

left out anything that would in any way

make this a coherent story line right

there are so many reactions like this in

the movie to absolutely nothing it's as

if every character woke up this morning

and we're told they were going to be in

a thriller today this guy keeps his gun

next to

classic Sex Pistols album in this

household Harry believes in gun storage

that is both unsafe and poetic where

exactly did this guy come from

Harry had to pass the kitchen to get to

the point he's at currently and yes

hazmat man is not in the previous shot

but in the time it takes Harry to walk

to get the gun

turn around surely he would have noticed

Harry the very least Wow yep that's

right the protagonists name is Harry

frickin hole Harry hole was the author

just browsing his 1970s porn collection

when it came to him how am I supposed to

take it here this seriously also in

Norway Harry's last name would be

pronounced as Holy

but since Americans are stupid movie

decides to make Harry's name sound more

fitting for poor mind you Harry holy is

a dumbest name as well does this guy not

see Harry with a gun in his hand

or is this how people greet each other

in Norway just like in real life when

you see someone you know you'd stare at

them as the camera cuts back and forth

for a full 10 seconds just so everything

stays perfectly ominous the EBI sync

will automatically upload all the new

data to the central police server here

every 12 hours in a movie that lacks

anything resembling a linear or cohesive

storyline let's be sure to make a point

to explain what version of software the

police are using for their tablets also

the ephah sync what is this nonsense I

wouldn't need 12 hours to sync there are

modern cells in this movie right why

would these giant iPad wannabes with

such a horrible refresh rate even be

used by a modern police force I'd like

to put $100 down on later for plot point

Thanks name of absence has to be

formally requested in writing between

this and the ever sink seminar we just

sat through this movie is starting to

feel more like an admin instructional

video on the inner workings of the Oslo

Police Department and that might have

put a more interesting film Norwegian

serial-killer would be great at writing

cinema since you scared my clients away

I'm guessing Raquel's infidelity least

art selling strategy didn't help matters

not to belabor the dangers of sleeping

outside when it's below freezing but

here he's literally sleeping in the snow

this arm should have been amputated long

ago who hit me with a snowball who cares

I got the promotion over Silvie and more

than once to marry me so I can forget

about a mysterious snowball faster than

takes to melt one and he'll wear

Sylvie's going god dammit assuming the

killer is the one who hit this woman

with a snowball how enough did he get

back in his car without her seeing him

am I going to create a ton of sins from

this phone exchange yes I am first off

this girl picks up her phone because it

beeped but why did the phone beep she

was the last person to write anything in

this exchange that series of face

screaming in fear emojis are on her side

of the conversation

also the I miss you texts that she's

about to send is already on the phone in

the shop but disappears in the next one

and she goes to write it

furthermore the I miss you text is back

on the screen before she even sends it

movie might promote brutal serial

killings but it does not abide texting

and driving for the record I'm not sure

stopping in the middle of the road to

text is that much safer even if it is

just an excuse to let the killer pass

which will have zero impact on future

events anyway if you want to silently

roll credits after this exchange I would

not have a problem with that

this girl's mom is terrible at taking

pictures of snowmen my selfie dish

you're hogging the snowman's frame woman

this long lingering look at her husband

tries to make it seem like he might be

the killer

but it's so ridiculously obvious he

isn't he might as well be played by Tom

Hanks it's a good thing no one ever uses

blinds or curtains in this film because

our poor killer wouldn't be able to spy

on them properly and no-win best

two-strike I'm capturing a brat

sorry ho how dare you sir oh wait are

you saying that's your name this is a

common thing in Norway the inside window

you guys have built up a level of trust

in which I am totally jealous and going

to give us in four because I don't trust

what I'm seeing

this movie and it's going back and forth

the little girl's mom probably got

killed and it's probably the most

interesting part of the movie so far but

instead we're going back to Sleepy

Michael Fassbender and is neverending

melancholy people playing ping pong is

an app symbol of this movies editing

can't believe Velma Schoonmaker did this

thing so this machine is called a vsync

previously on never sync well I saw

Josephine in the garden in her pajamas

and I thought what is she doing out in

this coat considering the clothing or

lack thereof already seen this film like

pajamas in the freezing snow make as

much sense as anything else and she said

she couldn't find her mother I feel like

half this movie was shot outside of

windows you can't hear most of the

dialogue in these shots

although the subtitles are handy I

suppose but what about when you're at

the theater

oh good article about important

character later in the film is

conveniently found in Katrina's glove


how convenient okay cool now they're in

Bergen nine years earlier oh Christ

also have we gone back to a time when

people act like normal human beings and

don't just stare at each other ominously

before making every action seemed to

deliberate and creepy nope guess not I

checked her credit card bills

she's been to see a pregnancy doctor who

says pregnancy doctor was he located

next door to the teeth doctor or the

booboo treating doctor movie makes it

seem as if Harry is having a memory of

an event that took place nine years ago

that he has no knowledge of this is when

Harry realizes maybe I should have paid

a little more attention to that letter

where someone said they were going to

kill someone else

now the drawing doesn't look anything

like this also glad I kept this strange

senseless snowman letter right nearby

for this very moment

even though it really meant nothing to

me you want a coffee or something we are

30 minutes into this frosty the snooze

fest and we still basically know nothing

about anything

never has a movie taken so long to tell

you so Lou there's an extra ten cents

for the sheer boredom this guy just

leaves his orange juice out all day if

he doesn't get frostbite from sleeping

outside he's going to get eco live from

the spoiled OJ in White Walkers

hey guess what just arrived

a drunk in the halfway raft oh somehow

new to walk up to spin sin right as the

other officers we're talking about him

also were the other officers not aware

that either raft over Svendsen could

have a walkie-talkie tuned to the

channel they are all clearly on cold

case cold case

that's good stuff right they're not sure

who wrote this SNL skit but Bravo I

think it's the falling snow that's

that's thinking off

I'll give this movie this it's the first

film I know of where the motive is snow

porn damn it if this movie cuts away

from what is interesting one more time I

will become the snow man myself or Val

Kilmer whichever is scarier why the [ __ ]

is this kid pulling off his master in

the middle of a hockey game hi Harry

good to see you sorry I'm late honey I

was busy killing women and building

snowmen that have to do with anything

this kid shoots the puck it pleases

Michael Fassbender for some reason and

game is over the hockey game on the roof

and clerks was better than this and some

[ __ ] in the middle of that game

launched the ball they were using down

the street all she cares about is you

that's why she dumped me such a bad

insurance but she still lets me take you

up by myself all the time


people pay money to see this also this

is a perfectly plausible response to

having to sit through half of this movie

Harry there's another missing woman in

yellow this time okay so here he gets a

call from Catrin about a new missing

woman and at about the 40 minute mark

you'd think that would finally mean this

movie's gonna get into the mystery and

stop worrying about Harry's hockey game

and concert attendance instead the movie

takes us to his ex-girlfriend's place so

he can drop off Oleg and then Harry says

this take me home we'll go in the

morning so me we have to go back to

Harry's house with a pill bottle in his

hand rather than a simple fast

forwarding to the morning get on with it

already moving you a very little time

left a snowman also why was it so

important for Catrin to come get Harry

and interrupt his semi father-son outing

if they were just gonna go check on the

missing woman in the morning thus

Fassbender have no shame who reported

her missing her husband last night sure

I had this conversation last night when

you can simply do it in the morning

while the movie wastes even more time

inspector hole I hardly even known never

mind I'm Anna Peterson so he was my

sister twins and despite the fact that

I'm at the house where my sister was

just murdered I somehow don't know she's

been murdered oh by the way this murder

in the twin connection and the fact that

I'm being played by a Chloe Sevigny is

totally immaterial to the rest of the

movie also how is aunt even here clearly

the line about Sylvia's husband going to

pick up the sister was bull

since after Harry and Catrin leave

Sylvia calls her husband and tells him

to stop calling her and showing up so

how did Ann just happen to show up and

how could they have been gone longer

than an hour and why is it nighttime so

our killer was able to find this place

shimmy down make a snowman put a human

head on it and get out in just a few

minutes but the experts are still trying

to repel down there I guess you can

limit your search to snow ninjas then I

guess after this we're gonna have to

call her Chloe Sevigny

she wasn't sure who the father was she

got rid of the baby a few weeks ago we

get it the killer is killing women whom

he feels are immoral we've gotten that

since the opening suicide by ice car but

you've yet to do anything to actually

drop clues or hints or even red herrings

about who this might be or why we would

care you forgot to put in any mystery

into your murder mystery so far so

here's another 15 sins to think about

what you don't so after finding her head

the only natural place to go after that

is a black-tie ice-skating party it's

definitely time to talk to JK Simmons

now because after all we've seen his

picture twice in this movie once in this

newspaper and another time in this

magazine from the nine years ago Val

Kilmer part of the story have Katrina

and Harry even talked about this guy yet

wait isn't that the same song as was

playing in the most recent victims home

I'm barely paying attention anymore and

I recognize that so how does he not

question this guy and why does none of

this even matter does this guy just live

in the neighborhood what are the chances

of him being here is Mattias walks past

him in the suit also this guy sees

someone in a hazmat suit and thinks that

guy must be impersonating me I better

say something also also mold man and the

snowman I see a three-picture franchise

and a Netflix series her head washed

ashore there Erin don't wait arendelle

like from frozen

I knew Olaf had a dark side but yikes

Magnus get me the list what list the

list of doctors at the Gillian oh yes of


that's what he meant by the list it's so

obvious when you think about it how did

you know Sophie Utterson was pregnant

eat of it and we have our first suspect

granted most murder mysteries provide a

couple of those in the first 30 minutes

or so but not the Snowman nope too much

importance tearing into blizzards to

think about suspects until Matt painted

don't nail this is important because all

right nothing means anything in this

godforsaken wasteland of a movie despite

not being the murderer dr. vet listen

has a serial killer collage on his wall

they really can't just say Olympics and

even if they can't couldn't come up with

something better than Winter Sports

World Cup attending a three-day

conference on bioidentical hormone rest

I thought you were a plastic surgeon Wow

no cosmetic surgery needs to move with

the times - I'm working on this process

where I can give a woman the body of a

snowman also seriously does Harry not

find it remotely odd that mattias just

happens to be on this train this time I

look at this picture now see then a

staring eyes huh now how could you not

see that before it's in the middle of

the goddamn picture do you not even

pretending to look straight Matthias is

not a police officer how would he have

any clue they would still be tracking

the phone or even if they were how

quickly they could get to the location

why is everything in this world so

suspicious it's a ringing phone I'm not

gonna lie the last 20 minutes of this

movie has been so nonsensical and boring

I'm not even sure where to start killer

blew his head off

except he didn't it was the Snowman guy

but then Magneto's detective friend who

was apparently old Kilmer guy's daughter

followed a phone to another house with a

doctor blew their head off and now the

bossy guy from whiplash is surprised and

I'm not sure any of it actually means

anything or if I've just lost all

feeling in my extremities including my

brain he's found two bodies in the house

and Berta Becca's phone it was a suicide

case closed

detective boss sees circumstantial

evidence and declares the big case not

to be such a big case after all and

probably can't be convinced otherwise

because the lead detective is a drunk

who lost all his credibility cliche also

being a serial killer and Norway must be

so boring the police don't even try to

investigate these crimes

no wonder Matthias since cute notes to

the cops can I keep this

no can I keep this yes sure after all

you made a real convincing argument just

put the movie

I mean why why did he call you

cloudberry that's a good question you

seem like a guy who would be more

partial to calling someone huckleberry

the most interesting character trait in

this entire film might be how opposed

Harry is Tibet's

now guys we're about 25 minutes away

from the end of this movie and we have

absolutely no leads into who the killer

is but we do have time for Raquel and

Harry nah skeptically dry-humping you've

seen now that phone's definitely exist

in this universe

why on earth would this giant ever sink

nonsense be a better way to capture

offending video No

hello Catrin clearly noticed that

someone turned off all the lights in the

room while she was in the bathroom and

her decision instead of checking on who

did that was to just get into bed and

watch some TV and then she act surprised

when she realized that someone else is

in the room how exactly did Matias get

up to this room this quickly after

getting off the phone with Raquel how

did he even get in the room

when one cup has been awarded to Oslo so

glad they wrapped up the World Cup

storyline that had absolutely zero

bearing on any part of the movie doesn't

even give the killer motive if say it

was Stoke wouldn't it have been easier

and less messy to just bring the tablet

over to katrin's body to get in as

opposed to chopping her finger off also

how does matthias know about this tablet

or that its fingerprint encode doesn't

this movie make a ton more sense if a

police officer is doing the crime it's

not like if it wasn't matthias than we

would work at least as much as works in

its current form how do you make an

imprint of a snowman this pristine on

the top of a car without disturbing the

other snow around it did this motherf er

in a crane so he could drop a trash can

lid in a bowling ball on the roof to

make this thing you got to admire the

dedication and stealth of this [ __ ]

he killed Catrin in a hotel where

there's a huge celebration going on

managed to somehow get her body out of

that hotel without anyone seeing it

drove her here positioned her just so

made a snowman imprint on the top of the

car so that Harry would see it Anne

managed to do that without one witness

okay fine another dead which would be

fine if you had left any breadcrumbs to

follow or clues to parse but this whole

affair just feels like someone scratched

a bunch of names on a notepad and is

waiting until the two hours is up to

circle a person who did it amateur

jump-scare from a child is a mature and

childish Italian ganache inside I'm

coming in a minute okay did she hear

that through the glass the hood of her

jacket the cap and her hair understand

about you and there it is it's the

ex-girlfriends new boyfriend except

there has been literally nothing in this

movie that would lead us to believe

that's even a possibility up until this

point Matthias is digital photo frame is

conveniently on the picture of Catrin

outside Raquel's apartment when Harry

looks at it furthermore since Harry

already knows Matthias is the killer

with his victim dossier spread out all

over the table this ridiculous picture

being here is even more ridiculous

lightness track Raquel's phone why

wouldn't he just turn Raquel's phone off

I didn't think you'd find me

perhaps the pills help doctor dad and

leave him Raquel's cellphone on so the

police could track you why did you

abandon them why is Matthias giving

Harry a chance to save Raquel and Oleg

he didn't think Harry would find him so

it looks like he planned on killing them

if Harry didn't show up but now that he

is suddenly he needs to teach a lesson

also while we're at it let's talk about

the snowman's plan nine years ago he

killed a woman because she was going to

have an abortion for a child that was

not her husband's apparently this was

the only woman he ever ran across in his

entire history that sparked his snowman

rage he killed val kilmer when he got

too close then he stopped killing

altogether until nine years later when

he started killing again for reasons

no like why did he kill Britta bishop

she loved her child and never once tried

to abandon her which is the ultimate

reason this movie is giving for the

murders trying to kill Raquel makes no

sense for the same reasons killing first

Chloe Sevigny follows the pattern

because she was going to have an

abortion even though the introduction of

second Chloe Sevigny made no sense I

guess what I'm saying here is that the

most ridiculous scene in the movie is

the only thing that actually makes sense

why don't you ask him okay wait a second

what just happened here there's no way

to tell at a regular speed so let's

break it down Fassbender somehow

communicates to the kid to kick his

chair back when the guy looks that way

this somehow gives him the ability to

reach out and what get a finger in there

how does this help I think could easily

chop off a head and I doubt an extra

finger makes a difference what a dumbass

come on this guy's native Norwegian what

a rookie mistake I'm from Tennessee and

I wouldn't piss up also they use ice

mock enough also why was Mattias even

walking closer to Harry he could have

shot him easily from where he was

standing pathologist can't determine

what kind of weapon was used and he's

never seen anything like I'll take it

obvious sequel is obviously not gonna be

made also based on the last hour and 54

minutes I just suffered through I'm

willing to bet that I'll take it is what

Fassbender says after every script he










I don't like you because you're

dangerous that's right

nice man I am dangerous which is why the

biggest challenge of IBS is educating

the public afflicts over 2 million

people yet most of us have never heard

of it and it strikes without regard to

age gender or race my family owned all

of these buildings I remember when this

was all farmland as far as the eye could


oh man Peabody owned all of this he had

this crazy idea about breeding pine

trees what am I gonna say I killed the

president of Paraguay with a fork how

have you been

watch me I'll do the fingering as he

crumped me often join do you like movies

about gladiators maybe this will bring

your balls back my testicles summer

hello mr. donkey hey that's not the

wallet inspector