Jocko's Advice for Newlywed Special Operations Forces Wives - Jocko Willink

i had a few questions relating to my

family life for guys who joined the


my boyfriend is interested in taking the

pass so this is coming from

the girl oh okay interesting

jockey you've mentioned being married

while a seal was it hard on you

on you and your wife and family advice

for a newlywed

sof candidate that stands for soft

special operations forces

there you go so this is actually

this was two questions and basically

from the other side and pete by the way

everyone that's asked can i bring my

wife on here

my wife has given the the stern negative

she's not coming you know why because

she's a legit quiet professional

she's just a legit quiet professional

she doesn't want any of this

glory no she did it just because she

loves the job

so my wife has said no and after and

someone said you know i said

uh went back and forth with somebody on

social media

and they said hey flanker hey ben she's

she knows this game bro she's not gonna

get flanked it's super easy

um but what i'm doing is kind of playing

a long-term game i'm playing some seeds

and whatnot trying to get her

maybe to think about how she could help

some other folks out there so you know

we're trying to work through

yeah there is some flanking activity

going on we're gonna see where it goes

uh but to this question being married to

a guy that's in special operations or in

the seal teams or whatever

it is a hard life in

many ways and you know the seal teams we

had a 90

divorce rate by the way a 90 and i think

it's come down a little bit i'm not 100


i don't know what the current numbers

are to date but man when i was a young


everybody was divorced you know guys

were just getting married and divorced

all the time

so here's the here's the couple things

that i would tell you that i think made

made my marriage last right aside from

my wife being awesome of course right

first credit but here's a couple things

number one um you have to respect the

fact that the job is

the number one priority and that is

completely different

from what a lot of people think and i

don't mean to be offensive by that

by saying that but the job has to be

number one and for me and i've said this


on interviews the job was the most

important thing to me

and my wife didn't take

offense to that she didn't when i said

hey i'm going to work but it's saturday

it doesn't matter

you know oh i'm going i'm not going to

be coming home tonight why

i'm going to work and then i'm going out

with my friends

because we're going to go and hang out

because that's what we do

and she never would get offended by that

instead she realized okay yeah his job

is the most important thing he's got to

take care of himself he's got to take

care of his guys he's got to take care

of his job

he's got to take care of the country so

i am number two that's cool you know

what i need to do is help support him

and so that is

that is what was happening and and so

what that means is

your wife in this case you young lady

that's asking this question

you need to be an independent person

right you

you need to be self-sufficient and and

that's not just self-sufficient with

you know being able to

clear the toilet when it gets clogged up


you know call the plumber when the water

heater breaks and

handle all that administrative stuff and

all the tasks around the house and

provide you know take care of the

finances because your

your husband's gonna be gone he's gonna

be gone he's gonna be on a workup he's

gonna be

he's gonna be gone a lot and so you're

gonna be able to handle all that stuff

and on top of that you have to be


emotionally emotionally self-sufficient

where you don't

need to have this constant

uh you know constant flow of affection

coming from this guy who has a bunch of

other things to worry about

yeah right so

that's hard to do and it's hard i think

that's one of the problems i mean that's

why there's probably a high divorce rate

because it's

hard to find a a girl or a woman

that can do those things yeah right

so it's that that will make

that's part of the solution here now the

husband obviously

big things you got to do is leave

your job at work right and

don't don't bring it home with you and

i've talked about this before you know

in the seal teams you don't have to when

you get done with work you change you

put on your civilian clothes

you go home so you're not bringing that

with you that's sort of a psychological

moment to change and and get those out

but there's also the

attitude that you can carry over very

easily because

the seal teams and and special

operations in the military in general

but definitely the seal teams

is a hostile environment with your

friends your friends

are not supportive caring

nurturing friends no your friends are

just just savages right

everything they're looking for weakness

it's i mean it's all fun

but it's all just a constant it's a


just battle verbal battle verbal abuse

all day long

it's fun like we're having fun with it

that's the

sixth sense of humor you know when tim

kennedy was on here and they made that

movie rage

range 15 and all all that that like kind

of sick twisted sense of humor is what

you're living in and there's a real

problem that occurs

when you take that little sick sense of

humor and that abusive personality that

you develop at work and you bring it


yeah and that happened to me when i went

to college

and all of a sudden i wasn't around any

team guys anymore

all day long no more team guys and then

here i am

and what do i do now i come home from

going to school all day

which was annoying and then the first

person i talked to because i didn't talk

to anyone when i went to school

unless i was asking them a specific

question about some knowledge or

some thing that was happening in a class

other than that i didn't make any


so i come home and i want to socialize

what was the only way i knew how to

socialize with people

cutting them down abusing them and

that's a little bit strong but you know

definitely making comments and

and trying to have a good time through

through cutting people down yeah and so

you know and i've talked about this

before i think somebody's

kind of grabbed onto this but you know

for instance you know

before i was going to college when i was

just in the teams my wife would make

dinner whatever it is she makes it hey

cool thank you appreciate it

when i was going to school also i'm not

around team guys anymore i want to have

some fun when i come home

and you know she'd cook me something and

i would

have some comments about it right

and eventually and it was very clear

when she said this to me she didn't

think a big deal she just goes hey i'm

not a team guy you know right

you know i think i said something about

this dried chicken that she made my wife

has always had some issues getting

moist chicken made right it always

i don't know she's paranoid about food

poisoning but when she cooks it man

she cooks it big time i mean she goes

the distance

right she will cook that thing until you


you're you got to bring a gallon of

water to the table just to get through

the meal

so she's actually got a lot better in

the recent years

so anyways back in the day i'd say she

said oh you know

i made you some chicken and i'd say oh

can can you just go ahead and bring me

three gallons of water to the table

and then it was one of those comments

that i made one time where she says you

know i'm not a team guy

and i kind of laughed and i said oh my

gosh look what i'm doing yeah i'm

treating her like a team guy and she's

not a team guy and she doesn't need to

be treated

like that so i just put myself in check

and got myself under control and

treated my wife like the good person

that she is

so there's that there's

communication it's and this is this is a

weird thing because everyone's going to

say communication

but my point here is don't expect


right don't expect communication one of

my buddies

was married and we were going on diploma

this is a long time ago

he was married he had three three kids

been married to you know married his

high school sweetheart

blah blah and he lived in coronado where

where the seal teams are

he lived there and his wife he lived

there with his wife and

one day he dropped off his car he had to

get his car worked on or something like


and he said this is we've been at the

seal teams for five years he's married

the whole time

been a seal team one and one time he

says to his wife hey you know he calls


and says hey can you come pick me up

because we got to go somewhere blah blah

and she goes yeah she says where are you

he goes i'm at the team

and she goes where is it and coronado by

the way is only like a mile long

and and so it was a classic example of

he never told his wife even where the

buildings were or what he did or

anything like that and that's just the

way it was

and a lot of successful

seal marriages that i've seen there's

not a lot of

hey this is what i did at work today and

hey this guy's a jerk and hey we're

trying to make this happen hey i got in

trouble for this

there's none of that there's just like

work and then there's what we have right

and i think that you got to separate

those two but what i'm saying is

this idea of communication happening all

the time it's not going to happen all

the time

it's not going to and i don't even know

if i don't think it's beneficial when i

was overseas i wouldn't call my you


you could call your wife you know

basically every day if you want to i

didn't call my wife every single day

i don't want to call my wife every day

it makes time slow down it doesn't speed

it up

just don't call call like once a week

that's what i do call my

wife once a week hey how you doing i'm

fine how's everything at home

i would just ask her questions about

home didn't didn't tell her

anything that was going on ever and just

said oh yeah how's this oh yeah did you

get the you know how's the car and did

you get the water heater fixed and how's

the kids doing in school and blah blah

blah ask her questions

because otherwise you're going to start

talking about your world and then that's

going to make them worried and concerned

and everything else and you don't want


so you don't need to talk to somebody

every single day that you do

that's neediness that's emotional that's

what i was talking about earlier with

with being emotionally independent right

you got to be independent you can't need

that like security of hey

call me and talk to me no actually i'm

not going to call you

i'm not going to talk to you you go do

your thing i'm doing my thing

you know on top i think it's cool if you

want to set some goals you know

together make a little team you know

you're trying to make some things happen

you're trying to make some financial


or some family goals or some house goals

you know we want to get

new carpet want to put some new

wallpaper up

whatever you know want to add you know

just do stuff and and make those goals

maybe make some jiu-jitsu goals together

that's always good

my wife was really good at jiu-jitsu

she's kind of stopped training when she


having babies every 18 months and all


what but you know we used to have a

blast training jiu jitsu all the time

so i obviously recommend the jiu jitsu

to help all relationships

working out together is another good one

you know even if you can't get those jiu

jits together you can

you can you can just work out you know

work out together

and that's cool and then you got to give

each other some space

right got to give each other some space

the guy the guy he's a team guy he's a

special operations guy

he's going to hang with his friends

sometimes and that's the way it goes

there's nothing wrong with that

that's the way things work and you know

what she's gonna go do the same thing

so that's okay um

yeah so i think those are the main

things you know jp when jp was on here

he he made a good point of put put

each other first right pretty simple

point that goes a long way

yep that goes a long way yeah which is

contrary to what i said which is like

the team is going to come first but

that's your job

yeah and i think you can still put your

team as the number one priority and

doing your job as your number one

printer because that's that's the thing

i said this a million times right

hey listen darling the reason i have to

do my job well

is because this is what we do we fight

and guys are gonna be trying to kill us

so the best thing i can do for our

relationship is stay alive

yeah so that means and and not only that

but i got these guys that also need to

stay alive for their wives

so we're going to work hard we're going

to train hard we're going to play hard

we're going to know each other better

we're going to we're gonna bond and all

those things are gonna happen

and that's how i can best support this

family is by kicking ass at my job

and if you're a smart wife you'll go

that makes sense to me

yeah and it'll be okay so in putting

your job as the number one priority

you're actually supporting the family

and you're you're putting your

your spouse first because you're trying

to take care of yourself take care of

your team

so that you can come home when when it's

time to come home

yeah yeah jp made it

i mean the the put each other first

that's kind of like a like

dated it's like you got to remember that

you know because you know how like

you're on two different pages you know

oh yeah you gotta put you gotta you

gotta remind yourself yeah daily

yeah but man it helps it helps a lot

have you have you been doing that lately


i liked how i like how jp put it you

know we just put each other first it's

real like dang that kind of

resonated i don't like using that word


it resonated you know why don't you like

using that word i don't know you know

those words

you know certain words just sound dumb

coming out of your mouth is that one of

them in my opinion

it comes down out of anyone's no out of


i think that sounded pretty good

actually oh thanks

all right well yeah that was a good one

good luck uh by the way

good luck uh to these guys that are

trying to get in the special operations


it obviously i loved it and it was

awesome for me

and i'll tell you my wife that was

definitely hard man

it was a hard it's a hard path and when

your husband's over on deployment

and you're home and guys are coming home

wounded or guys are getting killed

overseas that that's

that's gonna be that's hard and that's

one of the things that i talk about the


of the spouses and the independents to

be able to deal with those hardships

when they come

that's real stuff and so to the to the

women out there that support these guys

god bless you yeah that that point you

made where

you i think it's probably just

habitually a little bit when you treat

your wife like a team guy you know

like how because that's how you're used

to like bonding with people you like you

know so in a way it's like it's good

yeah you know

yeah man it's not a joke it's not a

one-way street man you can't you can't

be doing that

i do i had the same thing because that's

how me and my brother we just that's it

the whole thing is like so you can make

make the funniest joke about the other

guy you know and then

so sarah was like our friend before we

got together so she kind of and she

would she didn't like that even from the


but once you're kind of like in the

relationship she kind of got a lot of

and she

constantly constantly like like i'm not

you're you know

and of course i'm not your brother yeah

i'm not your brother i'm not your friend

like that kind you know but but of

course if you're not looking at it as

like a two-way street

you're like wait you should be happy i'm

treating you like this you know

this is my way of showing affection

exactly right you should be happy right

no no no that's a different person

you're talking about you know