Psychiatrist Explains How Insecure People Use the Internet

i want to talk to you guys for a second


fighting yesterday's battles and


so the first thing to understand is that


you know be careful about what makes you

feel good and what makes you feel bad

because a lot of times we have hunger

and that hunger is to like

right or wrong from like yesterday

or a decade ago or two decades ago

right it's an insecurity that's born

like when we're young

and then what happens is we carry that

insecurity we like feel a particular way

about ourselves right like we're not

attractive or we're not worth loving or

we're stupid or we're smart which can

also be an insecurity

and then what happens is like we want to

we do everything we can to reassure


that that insecurity is false right so

if you're

if you think you're smart and you're

insecure about your intelligence

then you won't ever really apply


because you'd rather half asset and get

a c

then do your best and get a b and so you

look for reassurance around that


if you're in a relationship for example

like you need to hear other people tell

you hey like

do you really love me and so you seek

reassurance and there's that hunger

right like you want other people to tell


that yeah you're worth being with you're

awesome you're beautiful

or you run around on the internet and


you know talk about how smart you are in

theoretical physics because you want

other people to appreciate your


you need that appreciation and so the

tricky thing about insecurity is it's

like a hunger inside you that needs to

be fed from the outside

and so you go outside you look for i'm

going to get it fed over here i'm going

to get fed over here

i'm going to flex on these guys i'm

going to stomp these noobs

i'm going to show everyone

and the crazy thing is that the things

that you need to show

everyone are the things that you don't

believe about yourself

you're looking to solve that insecurity

on the outside

you're looking for their responses

to show you that the insecurity is false

because you believe it yourself

but you're afraid that it's true so you

go to other people and the problem is

that kind of hunger can be satisfied for

a time by reassurance

but it's like a band-aid because the

insecurity comes from within

and so anything that you do from the

outside is not gonna fix it

and that's what we see right like the

person who needs to be reassured in a

relationship needs to be reassured the

next day and the person who thinks

they're really smart and flexes on these


has to flex on some other noobs tomorrow

because the internet is not like those

people don't flex on like egotistical

people on the internet aren't

egotistical one day

and then they disappear no they live on

the internet for their entire lives and


they're flexing on everyone as much as

they can because they believe

something about themselves that they

don't want to be true

so the crazy thing is like how do you

deal with that and the first thing is

stop feeding it from the outside

because here's the crazy thing when you

have an insecurity and you feed it from

the outside

what happens to things that you feed

they grow

and so each time you seek that

reassurance you're gonna need more

of it the next time and you're gonna

need more of it the next time

and the more you rely on outside things

the more i know this sounds

crazy the more you become dependent

on those outside things you need those

outside signals that's what you rely on

to feel good about yourself and then you

wind up with these kinds of

situations where you feel wonderful one

day and you feel like crap another day

and what's the difference it's how

you're treated by the outside world

your happiness is not dependent on

yourself it's dependent on other people

and so then what you do is you sign away

the rights to control your life to the

outside world

and then you're not in control

life is taking you wherever it wants to

take you you feel powerless other people

make you feel a particular way

you're a victim to their feelings and

their whims

so what do you do what do you do about


it's hard but you start by going to the

source of the insecurity and recognize


if you're confident if your confidence

in yourself is lacking the only place

it's going to come from is within

if you're insecure about your appearance

no amount of reassurance by the outside

world is going to make that go away

if you're insecure about your capability

about your worth about your value

no amount of the outside world is going

to be able to teach that to you

so what you've got to do is sit with it

right so like look at yourself in the

mirror and then like

look at yourself and this be like okay

where is where is the ugliness and you

may see it

you may see it right away you look at

yourself in the mirror you'll be like oh

my god

this guy's hideous and then notice how

you feel and sit with that feeling and

tolerate it tolerate the hunger

tolerate it sit with it

and then something magical will happen

it's going to be a waiting game

it's going to try to feed thoughts into

your head

be careful don't give in to those

thoughts put your focus on something


so go and find like a candle

and then like look at so what i want you

to do is place a mirror

and place a candle in front of the

mirror and then look at the

look at your reflection in the mirror

and then look at the candle

and then look at the candle and put your

entire attention on the candle

and then notice that as your attention

goes onto the candle

the hunger within you the thoughts of

judgment of your own appearance

will begin to subside and then you step

back into the arena you look at your

reflection again

and notice all of those thoughts come up

and then turn your attention to the

candle and with each of those moments

the hunger will start to subside it'll

start to melt away because you're not

feeding it

and if you do that practice enough the

insecurity will dis

will dissolve with it all you guys have

to do is stop feeding it

bring it up face the hunger and stop

feeding it

you can even do with food if you have a

temptation with food watch what happens

to your desire

get some kind of food or get a coke or

whatever you kind of struggle with and

look at it

notice your desire come up and then turn

your attention to something else

and then look at the thing again notice

it come up and turn your attention to

something else

and eventually learn how to tolerate

the bad feelings on the inside and as

you learn how to tolerate them as you

learn how to

sit with them you will start to accept

them and they'll start to dissolve

and the insecurity will dissolve with it

so stop fighting yesterday's battles

today because that's what we see a lot


right everyone else made fun of you so

now you've got to show the rest of the

world how awesome you are

it's yesterday's battles it's not


and it ends up creating all kinds of

these like weird problems in your life


you start to be treat people in a way

that's kind of bizarre

and is like dependent on how you felt

some time ago

so stop fighting yesterday's battles

today and the second thing is

stop fighting internal battles on the


if you have an insecurity nothing in the

outside world is going to take that away

that's a battle that has to be fought

in here so if you want to do that that's

how you deal with insecurity

in terms of meditation practice i

actually encourage you guys to do what i

just said

so to actually take a candle and go and


in front of a mirror and look at

yourself in the mirror and see what you

think about yourself

and then look at the candle and then

look at the mirror

let those thoughts come up and tolerate

sit with the person that you are

because you're not a bad person but it's

when you refuse to hang out with

yourself and you distract yourself with

alcohol or video games or whatever

that you start to like slip away be with


see who you are because i guarantee you


it's not nearly as bad as you think it

is if you guys need a little bit of help

with this kind of stuff

that's what we made our coaching program

for right because

people want time with dr k but

unfortunately i'm a little bit busy and

i can't reach everyone

the good news i know this sounds crazy

but it turns out that if you look at

outcomes the coaches tend to do

as well as i do in terms of actually

improving people's lives

i'm not saying that you're going to have

an emotional catharsis within the first

session that's probably not gonna happen

but people do have emotional catharsis

through our coaching program pretty

consistently it's just

the coaches work a little bit slower

than i do but at the end of

eight twelve or sixteen weeks we tend to


help our clients the same amount so

they're basically as good as i am

so if you guys need help with that

that's why we started the coaching


and we're building additional things for

you guys

more stuff like what we're doing