Everything Wrong With The Equalizer In 14 Minutes Or Less

one minute and five seconds of holy Sh

we hit the mother lode of logos reading

discount Home Depot product placement

also home Mart you can come up with a

better Home Depot Walmart ripoff name

than that this guy trying to sneak chips

into a sandwich thinks that Denzel won't

hear that when he bites down onto it

sabot got two guys that work at home

Mart might be friendly even close but

they are not letting each other finger

touch their food have Hollywood

screenwriters ever held real jobs Denzel

Washington is lonely as [ __ ] movies

obsessed with clocks honestly not sure

what's worse here the heart-shaped

headphones are the fact that they say

love on them with little hearts in place

of the Oh as Denzel made a movie with

every blond precocious child star this

diners prices are all out of whack

coffee is a dollar fifty fifty percent

more than King McDonald's corned beef

hash is 250 a price that seems low for

anything containing meat but then two

eggs toast and home fries are $7 I mean

there's simply no standard whatsoever

for the pricing of the food in this

diner we bet know what you do for you

got it

like for a living I'm saying this

sharable discussion leads - bullsh open

questioning of a co-worker so that

bullsh mystery about a character

background can continue bullshitting me

to death

the old man's got to be the old man it's

got to be to fish got to be who you are

in his world right prostitute Chloe

grace Moretz steals the jodie foster

from taxi driver so he gets up early

works are regular job is kind to hookers

in fact co-workers I get it he's awesome

or at the 15-minute mark and the movie

start happening please the equalizer

takes the badass former government agent

helps the young girl with her singing

career thing from taken I think you can

be anything you want to be you know

provided you can impress the gatekeepers

of the industry you want to break into

all so she can't be the starting center

for the Boston Celtics or the Pope or a

horse change of wool he said to the

obviously institutionalized hooker yeah

you know everything so dark makes

everything's impossible again I know

she's a lost way too young kong girl but

what the hell is that supposed to mean

oh survivor guy who thinks he's a knight

in shining armor the only thing is he

lives in a world where nice don't exist

anymore nice that the 90 second book on

the list is Don Quixote allowing this

dialogue to be extra heavy-handed

somehow Elena's pimp knew that she'd be

walking out to this gas station tonight

and this is definitely not a routine

because we saw her catching a cab from

the diner the first time we saw this


don't go here's my business card so

you'll know where to kill me later she's

at the ICU it's shammed someone beat her

up real good thanks extremely helpful

diner guy it's amazing how much news you

hear about prostitutes in your line of

work they beat up his hooker

acquaintance no one beats up his hooker

acquaintances carnival Meditation $9,000

[ __ ] throttle me

one month bad guy adds a clause to the

agreement after the handshake cliche

whorehouse of the Crystal Skull movie

steals the hero can figure out every

move bad guys are going to make in a

fight thing from Sherlock Holmes also

bad guys just let this guy sit here and

stare at them for a really long time

when I'm doing or saying anything 15


it then takes him 28 actual seconds in

movie time but in real life it was 68

movie stills yet another page from taxi

driver as he kills a bunch of dudes who

sell underage girls in the skin trade at

least they don't sell heroin flavored

bananas am i right James Bond on the

next the equalizer yep he went all the

way home before washing the blood off

his hands

that just happened these are for you I

made the way damn couldn't you pick an

easier container than the notoriously

tough Pringle scan to deliver this

message or just telling like a normal

person the special report crawl needs to

tell us that the price of gas is 358 per

gallon before continuing with the story

of the five men who were killed last


all right you seen Robbie I was we

taking that security guard test after

work calling and quit to someone who

bothers to put a note about his weight

loss at a Pringles can seem to be the

type that quits closed closed what the

ever-loving first off Robert open the

door freely second off it's broad

daylight outside and third the hours

posted clearly state that you're closed

at 9:00 p.m.

not when Wheel of Fortune is on this

Russian villain is only a few tailgating

SUVs shy of a proper evil motorcade

Molina cebause all these guys this

exposition dialogue while driving is so

Grand Theft Auto unconvinced it's on

purpose do me a favor write whatever you

do don't call him Little John okay well

you never told me his nickname in the

first place so that's kind of weird and

why would you randomly bring this up and

subliminally plant a seed in his head

hey you ever meet this guy don't call

him penis face II hate such the

additional 10% you steal we ignore we

anticipated as your people are such

clichés that's racist also a movie with

nearly every single action movie cliche

in it including this very character is

distasteful of cliches well someone saw

a red dragon

besides Brett Ratner and me I mean also

this guy's nipples are

dribbly hard right now that's the lady

down the street I had to fire a thing

could happen to you with your whole

[ __ ] family Oh first off this phone

got some remarkable audio which leads to

the second point these [ __ ] are

actually shaking down businesses with

witnesses around and didn't notice

someone taking cellphone video can hurt

more than the beat and those corrupt

cops were never corrupt again

Ralphie's mom stupidly goes to the

window to pull out a wad of cash Brenda

with the reason then to show us her

customers and any criminal looking

inside she got it back yep they just

take you back immediately at jobs you

quit with no notice from that's totally

how life works bad guy pretends to be

really sweet only to kill someone cliche

professional killer does this in full

view of the front door and numerous open

windows but oh look he passed the

security guard exam which he actually

missed completely due to quitting his

job in sweeping up the Mexican

restaurant that day instead but I'm sure

they just give out makeup tests for that

thing like candy as opposed to making

truant applicants wait another six

months or whatever it is till the next

mass testing date this fuss and walks in

the front door several minutes off the

Slaven arrived it never comes out wait

you were looking earlier at Street

security footage showing him in the girl

coming out right congratu suddenly

everywhere Robert goes there are crimes

being committed right in front of him

also who robs a whole Mart in broad

daylight anyway and I was like he's

basically addicted to being a violent

vigilante and the names of people who

are essentially strangers every bad guy

in this movie has some sort of skull on

their person I know you want to get that

guy for stealing from the store but did

you need to steal a hammer from the


movie that is all about Denzel kicking

ass skips over prime opportunity to show

us Denzel kicking ass he waited until he

was back at work with coworkers in the

[ __ ] aisle this thing goes in before

wiping off the blood he's on camera

right now also Robert stalks a used

hammer for resale also that was the most

senseless weapon and method of weapon

retrieval he could possibly have chosen

to beat up or kill the mugger he's

killed dozens already with his fists and

whatever he finds in the room but for

this one [ __ ] he decides to steal on

camera from the place where he works I

need to take him clean live place about

coming there's no witnesses Teddy wants

to know who this guy works for but he's

already heard about Robert visiting the

beat up hooker in the hospital how can

be so good an investigation but not

consider the Travis Bickel angle oh

hello there vo I nearly missed you but

you're too sunny movies like robots and

a Marvel flick you know like Denali

Jerell Boston Herald truck randomly

makes an appearance in front of the

diner to block these guys views a very

nice instructions I'm gonna kill you yes


usually this place has quite a few

people in it but tonight of all nights a

perfect scenario by which only the bad

guy and the good guy occupy space in the

whole diner dream ah got a side front

follow but see I got free Teddy knows

that Robert has a considerable set of

skills yet allows everyone to split up

thereby allowing Robert to easily take

on one guy if it comes to that hero

villain Kicks down the door where you

think the hero villain is but the hero

villain is somewhere else cliche Susan I

just need to know who this man is

Oh your dumb ass cell phone did not take

a picture that was this good

to the point of being a perfect portrait

of Teddy your friend here is who Pushkin

sends when he's got a problem no matter

what the situation teddy has his picture

taken like he's going to be on a

baseball card he won't stop until he

kills you and anyone you care about

well at least after he gets to know you

first in come Braun came for permission

seriously the guy with no qualms about

killing numerous people in this movie

needs permission to kill the bad guy

also damn I never thought I'd say this

in my lifetime but this movie really

wastes Bill Pullman amazing how every

person in this movie has the same damn

Sony phone this guy who is on high alert

decides to go straight to the car

instead of checking for people who might

kill him inside the garage why don't you

get out of here go yes so you can

[ __ ] come on the stewed would

already be talking by now who is he

actually protecting at this point he's a

dead man as far as his employers are

concerned anyway so he's handcuffed to

something and Denzel has a remote

control but does the car not have

interior buttons to roll down the

windows or open the [ __ ] door

Denzel is gone since when do remote

dongles override all other controls for

a car Bonnie's able to trick his way

into the crime syndicate of the Russian

who obsessively wants to kill him

because a guy like that would never pass

out pictures of his obsession kill

target to the people who work for him

can I see it hugs ensue moans oh good

god man how in the world does this plan

work he'll get too close to me I'll take

his gun and nobody in the whole place

will have itchy trigger fingers and blow

me away when I do that the right thing

actually that is one of the few Spike

Lee movies you're not in but thanks for


Shih Tzu sir so you found this then

closed it all up again just so you could

dramatically reveal it to this guy my

men will find you thanks dude

we probably established that a long time

ago probably before this dinner even but

good to get a reminder once in a while

shouldn't you just let it go to


don't you by ignoring the call after

three rings communicate to the other

party that you actively

toward their call he's not coming back I

guess Robert just destroyed that guy in

the bathroom and luckily no one was

around to see it even a bathroom

attendant which they have in classy

places like this

I guess no one stumbles on this dude's

body either not while Roberts here

anyway I have no feelings about you one

way or the other except for being

obsessed about tracking you down and

killing you which is totally not a

feeling man

so this good man opened his home to this

point movie pauses the action two

minutes for Robert to tell a story about

Teddy's secret all of our twisted days

this is the second time this movie will

put Bobby at kill distance from the main

bad guy without letting him actually

kill him because this movie needs it's

two-hour 12-minute length damn it for

story Scarlett's about me is the exact

same as Crystal's about me in fact they

have the same age and same height

despite the fact that the stuff Robert

clicks on shows different ages and

different heights when picking illegal

Russian escort services I expect their

website to be well maintained check your

personal email make sure you sitting

down when you do because I just emailed

you all the gigabytes as an attachment

of course walking away from the fireball

had to be in this movie at some point

this is just like man on fire only with

a more grown-up Dakota Fanning I mean

Chloe grace Moretz there is no way he

could have time these gas based

explosions to perfectly match his slow

and steady escape walk funny how they

got pictures of Robert doing best buddy

things with Rafi especially since we

didn't see that during the bad guys take

photos of Robert see also he's going to

infer just from this photo that these

two are close enough to constitute

leverage which would be bad enough on

its own at this photo weren't also

several days old meaning this guy is

just now having this epiphany after

having these pictures for days your life

for that go ahead and kill them I don't

even know who they are also the

supposedly smart teddy commits a

cardinal bad guys sin and doesn't bring

an insurance hostage with him to his


just in case Robert decided to save the

home Mart employees mr. McCall Robbie

they came into the store then they

commit yet another horrible cardinal sin

by allowing Ralphie to disclose their

location amateurs man they knew you

worked here ages ago goddammit and only

just now thought of the kidnap the

co-workers plan

my men haven't we Denzel answered call

waiting how do you end that call and

interrupt him with beeps they can track

his location by cell phone but still

needed this elaborate desperate ruse to

find and kill it

she's fury can you just kill one of them

and then go investigate the music on the

PA also it's just music right who cares

you basically drop everything just to go

investigate music do you how stupid that

sounds coming out of my mouth now try

watching it we just king saw an exterior

shot that had no Denzel in it I don't

care how well Robert speaks Russian his

accent should have tipped that off

immediately very clever mr. McCall not

really any trained professional badass

would have been able to pull this off

the way you blender the thing I decided

to come see you for the third time this

movie yeah I'll be waiting for you

instead of killing you easily like I

could have done twice in this movie

already find the hostages then the

supposedly smart bad guy doesn't even

set up henchmen around the exits to make

sure no one got out or can't get out

movie turns into Home Depot alone thank

goodness the bad guys decided to explore

the Isles in such a way that leaves

Bobby time to set booby traps

you know Robert would make a pretty good

horror movie villain if we watch this

from the perspective of the bad guys

Denzel would be like Jason or Michael

Myers huh you can butane torch a

doorknob in a darkened Home Depot

without anyone hearing it or seeing the

light from the flame ooh new Home Depot

alone to Boston aisle two at new work

why hasn't Robert taken one of the bad

guys guns yet this guy really loves

killing people with tools during all the

commotion around the bathroom fixtures

and none of the remaining bad guys show

up to help out ah

after going the whole movie being

untouchable Bobby suddenly starts

meeting guys that can hit him and hang

with him near the film's conclusion I'm

sure it's just a coincidence

rafi decides not to bother with any

indication that he's around when

sneaking up on Robert who he just found

out as a deadly killer and just iced a

guy with a mirror shard ah these guys

had rifles with night vision scopes on

them that's the best they could do

trophy should not leave anybody behind

okay first of all Ralphy is a dumbass

second of all recently passed the

security guard exam Ralphie is better

equipped to find Bobby in this place

than actual trained soldiers okay so the

breakers were off and there wasn't any

power and how did robert set up this

microwave to suddenly start cooking

complete with a countdown and everything

once the power came back on even if he

set this up before the breakers were

turned off the microwave wouldn't

suddenly start up like this because

microwaves aren't that smart also Bobby

knew that these people terrible at their

job would be smart enough to follow his

blood trail into the break room at just

the right time

this work you knew they'd find a way to

make it rain during the sequence even

though it's inside that's right folks

it's Denzel he's got his own theme song

and man does he look cool in slow-mo

while the sprinkler system rains down in

the hallmark movie almost goes full Sin

City here at the end I think ironic

raindrops are actually more poignant

than actual tears don't you what do gain

from my dad I don't get my Robert

doesn't just kill this guy already of

course we know he's got something [ __ ]

up ready to go I mean this is sort of

left up to chance

Robert has to hope this works but I

guess he just knew it would what happens

if the guy is a least bit wary of tricks

like this or is in any way smart all

this for a hooker he once discussed old

man in the sea with a diner Danice girl

disappeared for 90 minutes of the movie

and she's the whole reason this got

started good job - like a real job

you're allowed you'll be happy to know

that the girl too young to ever have

started hooking has in the absence of

Russian overlords gotten some kind of

menial job she sure to hate in three


and just in case you weren't convinced

this movie that's pieced together from

almost all movies here's mobis version

of new dawn fades which is pretty much

identified with the movie heat taking us

to the credits and the moral of the

story is if your wife is dead and you

use your military training to avenge a

beaten up hooker your next move is


final shot really really wants you to

credit it for resembling a famous

painting don't call them Little John


then change a wall

let me get this straight I still you

dope and then you walk in here and you

bring me more man you got one part of

that wrong this is not math oh I'm

Batman I don't know who you are I don't

know what you want if you are looking

for a ransom I can tell you I don't have

money but what I do have are a very

particular set of skills skills I've

acquired over a very long career skills

that make me a nightmare for people like

you but uh sucking me you don't want to

hear that I can cigarettes put out of me

when I was a little kid the mother could

stab me you don't want to hear that


where were the other drugs going I never

knew I don't know I swear - swear to me